Night Life, the high life

last summer~

jacksonville trip
be-friending lauren again.
losing lauren again.
underdogs, underdogs, and more underdogs.
lots of sitting around on the computer.
winchester way.

this summer~
loop
shiavo 5oh
brendan
kaleb
danielle
melbourne trip
staying out till 5 am every night
driving sampson :)
waterhole.
befriending riley
losing riley </3
losing audrey.

it's a vast improvement.

and i wouldn't have it any other way.

changed me.

in an unexplainable, huge way.
I have new habits. I have new friends. hell, i even have new hair.
nothing's the same.

and i can't say i don't love it. because i do. It's so exciting, all the new, different things in my life.

I gained a lot this summer. but I also lost a lot.

and sometimes, i lost the things I gained, and i think that was the hardest part of them all.

given something great, something amazing. then having it be taken from you before you even got a chance to get used to it. that's got to be all kinds of cruel. But I'm dealing with it. hopefully, things will change. soon.

I absolutely love my best friend Danielle. I've never had a friend that i cared about this much, except Lauren. and I know she doesn't exactly feel the same, but i don't even care. It's given me something that makes me happy.

everything that has changed this summer is too much to be confined into words. they just have to show, their beauty shining through.
I wish i took more pictures. because as they say, a picture is worth a thousand words.

am i the only one that finds it ironic that the night i was so hell-bent on getting pictures with riley & danielle, was the last night we all hung out? yes, irony at its best. good thing i'm so camera obsessed.

anyway, its fabulous to think of whats changed this summer, in a good way. but at the same time its heartwrenching to think of whats changed, in a bad way.

i've lost 2 friends that were really important to me. i've grown apart from many more friends, that i just don't make time for anymore. and that's no ones' fault but my own.

i've always loved palm harbor. but this year, i'm going back alone. with no one beside me. it's scary. i just want to be going to the same school as my friends.

we'll see how everything turns out. but i'm scared to death.

in the whole entire world, has got to be the feeling I experienced last night.

when brendan played & sang yellowcard for me.

I can't even begin to express how it made me feel. words don't come easy. it just gave me chills.. put the biggest smile on my face... and made me swoon hardcore.

then he played his own songs.. and it was just, amazing.
i never wanted the night to end. i could stay in that moment, forever. just listening to him play. for ME!

it was just an amazing feeling and i never want to forget it...

i didn't want to fall for him. but i think now it's too late..

i just copied & pasted this from a bulletin hahah but whatever i wanted to keep it.

sum up goes as follows~
poppin video:
-loved seeing my boy in it multiple times
-loved seeing alex in the same shirt i have hahah
-"loved" how high fucking budgeted it was. jesus.

- "loved" how goofy it was. ever notice that none of their videos are serious? i understand they like to have fun, but i think they might play up on it a little too much.

- "loved" all the shameless advertising.

-~loved~ all the skanky girls dancing around in next to nothng.
what its this, a rap video?

all in all, of course i love it.

i'd say it's probably my favorite video by them. ... maybe behind css.

but i must say mr. gaskarth looked stunning in the video.

hey, those are only my opinions, but i'd love to hear yours. leave 'em in a comment.

now, BREAKING DAWN.

went to the midnight release party in brandon (yes, i'm a nerd)
it was actually a lot of fun. haha. i definitely had a good time. and libby & leAnna got honorable mentions for their shirts! bahah.

and i won a free cookie.. which i forgot to redeem.
hahah
and we spent the better part of an hour looking at "growing up" childrens books haah love it.

SPOILER: EDWARDS A VAMPIRE

;)

anyway, i'll be up all night reading so if you have my number, send me a text!

are amusing..
yet when I go on there and find secrets about set it off, i get antsy and opinionated, real fast. like i want to put all those people in their plce.but i can't. it's an annonymous community and really, there would be no point. it would be really pointless. they wouldn't get it through their heads anyway.

so here's kind of my release to all the things i WOULD say to those people, just because i feel the need to say it:

set it off is not trying to be all time low. they may play the same genre of music, but they don't even sound like them. cody makes videos that represent him, not the whole band. they aren't trying some "carefree" attitude because its cool, thats just who they are as guys, and thats who they've always been. --at least cody--

and before you make assumptions about them being just a silly band, why don't you try to get to know them first? because they all have their dark sides, and they are NOT silly carefree people, at leastn ot all the time. yeah, they may be like that when they're with the band because they should be having FUN! thats what its about.

its kind of an eye opening experience. me knowing them on personal level. i get defensive over them. these people don't know them, yet think they do just because they went to their fucking myspace page? whoop de do.

it's dumb. but its also an eye opener because it makes me realize that i think i know people after looking at their myspace/watching their videos/etc. but the truth is , i don't.

maybe i myself don't even know them. at least not that well, at least not yet. but i'd like to.

i'd like to say that i'm not firneds with them because of the band. sure, thats how we became friends but i don't even fully recognize the fact that they're in a band. yet... i dont know.
 

there are some secrets inside me that i'm not ready to let out yet.

they are there, and i am recognizing them. and i think thats enough.

but i don't think i'm ready to confront them. not yet. 

changed my life.
it seems that all the best shows are bands that i don't know. i don't know if thats a coincidence or what. but here goes my story about last night.

july 18th i was supposed to see bedlight for blue eyes at the orpheum. i was set on this, even though i don't know that many songs by them. well then danielle got me hooked on the bride wore black who sings this one song called pray to the porcelain god. which we jam out to all the time. so they were also playing that night, at neptunes. so finally i decided, tbwb > blfbe... and boy am i glad i did.

so every myspace said a different time, so danielle & i decided getting there at 6 would be a good time. well when we got there no one was there yet so we just jammed out in the parking lot. looking like losers, but it was definitely fun. then she texted ben and told him to come down. THEN a van passed by and the driver waved out the window to us :] so i was like sweeet the bands are here.
then later 3 people came up to us from the band that drove by us, they were called veara , which, it took me like the whole night to figure out how to say their name haha. and they came up and started talking to us. well, they were really nice and we decided to go get some checkers with their guitar (?) player, Patrick and their drummer, Brittany. they were both 2 of the nicest people i've ever met. so while eating, the bride wore black's van drove by and danielle and i were like :O so patricks like, you guys want to meet them? so were like o fuck ya. so we went back to neptunes and we all were like wo0o party. then riley, austin, zach, and will showed up. along with a few more of their friends.

there's no way to express what's on my mind without sounding hopelessly creepy.

I just wish... that I knew you. I wish I could have a conversation with you without you thinking i'm just a stalker fan. I'm fairly sure you don't even know I exist and if you do, you definitely don't think good things about me. I'd hate to think of the fact that you probably think I am one of the creepiest motherfuckers ever and get your kicks making fun of me.
I'd hate to think that. I just want to think of you as a nice guy.
I wish I could meet you, but I know if I did I would probably be too stunned to act myself. and I don't think you would care, at all.

it sucks loving someone who lives 3336 miles away, and doesn't even know your name.

I know I sound like a pathetic teenie. And In truth, that's what I am.

but, I can't help what I feel!

if you know anything about me, you know that I love Yellowcard. you might even use the term 'obsessed'.
if you know anything about yellowcard, you know that they have had a lot of member changes. this may come as a surprise to some of you- Ryan Key (the singer now) hasn't always been the singer. that band has gone through more member changes than I thought possible. in fact, the only "original" member left in the current line-up is LP, the drummer. and sean, debatably (we all know he wasn't, but he seems to think otherwise. lol katie)
SO when word got out that the original members of yellowcard were going to be playing a reunion show in none other than jacksonville, florida, I automatically knew I had to go. there was no avoiding it. Date was set for May 24th, aka memorial day weekend. I mean, it was basically a once in a lifetime thing. I wasn't missing it for the world. so after LOTS and LOTS of begging/convinving/lying/crying, i got permission to go. haha

the weekend started early Saturday. I piled everything into my car and was off on my own for 3 whole days. all by myself. I navigated myself (somehow) onto the interstate for the first time and you know what? it really wasn't all that bad. I was worried for nothing. the drive was long and tedious. I did pass the publix warehouse/headquarters and took a picture of it...

100_7733

 it's ok, i know I'm a loser.

is a trait i possess that I wish I didn't. People take advantage of that.
Boys are jerks. Yes, this is common knowledge. I've had my fair share of assholes. and to be honest, this year was full of them already. in all honesty, 2008 has been the worst year of my life. yet it has been punctuated with several best days of my life, so how does that balance out? does the one day that i enjoy myself (such as a yellowcard concert) make up for the whole entire month of bad days that I had? well, it doesn't make up for it. that's a shitty balance system if you ask me. anyway, I thought my terrible train had finally ended. I had broken the curse. I had a nearly perfect night, something I would have never imagined possible. In natural amber fashion, i couldn't leave it alone. i couldn't just let the chips fall where they may. No, I had to question myself, and others. and it led nowhere good.
Never ask a question if you don't want to know the answer. I knew this, but I asked anyway. the answer I got was way worse than I could have ever imagined. It's not often that I cry over boys, honestly. I might become really, really upset. and tears may build up. but rarely do they fall. It's actually hard to make me cry in general. anyway, the words that were brought to me brought me instantly to tears. and i'm talking sobs, red eyes, no make up, etc.
it's convenient that this all happened while I was at work, too. so all my co-workers got to stare and wonder what happened. I mean, one rumor swirling around about me this week isn't enough, let's top it off with one more. Because they truly need another reason to talk about me, right?
anyway, I'm not getting into the nitty-gritty details. I'm going to try to be discreet. For once in my life I've realized, you don't always need to say everything. not everyone needs to know everything. I've realized this as of late, and I'm trying it out. It's nice.
anyways, two men. One that I care about, one that I really do not. One of them has lied. Which one was it? I can ask until I'm blue in the face, but that doesn't make it true. I've decided to not focus on it right now. I have decided to truly let the chips fall where they may, and just wait and see where it takes me. maybe it will be good, maybe it will be bad. but it can't be worse than what it's already been. there's just no way.
I should have known it was too good to be true, right? I mean, he played up on the fact that I was just 16 and inexperienced, etc. all things I'm rather embarassed of being. In all honesty, I just feel like a straight up idiot. I deserve everything that came to me. everyone said the same thing- "if it sounds too good to be true, it most likely is" and "thats so perfect!" well, I should have known: perfect things don't happen to me. they never have, they never will. the moment I trick myself into believing that something good could actually happen, it gets ripped away. But why does it always have to be that way? why is it always too good to be true? is nothing good or true anymore? seriously. why do we always have to accuse and wonder and doubt, instead of giving someone the benefit of the doubt? the truth is because, whenever we give them the benefit of the doubt, we get hurt. when we put high expectations on people, we get let down.
it's a fact of life, i just wish it weren't that way.
If i'm completely honest and vulnerable with someone, is it too much to ask that they give me a little honesty, too?

i don't want to change my ways. I don't want to have to become this cold-hearted person that doesn't trust anyone. I shouldn't have to. someone should come and show me that I don't need to.

...

I'm waiting. 

so, seeing your favorite band in your town is always fun. there's just something reassuring about knowing everything about the venue, area, how to get there, etc.

THE WAIT.

well my mom couldn't take off earlier than like 3:30 so when she finally gave me the car I was rushing like crazy. I parked in my new favorite downtown st pete spot and was practically peeing myself as I went around front to meet up with the line. Alyssa, Libby, and LeAnna were there along with a group of people that were there on vacation from wisconsin. you might think "wow, dedicated fans". yeah, i did too. but no, not really.
so alyssa had made cookies for the boys but she didn't find them to gift them, so we just ate them haha. at one point, they spelled 'yellowcard' but i definitely ate the a. they were delicious cookies, btw.
so after recieving a full re-enactment of sean "running away" from us (later, after ALL of us asking him, he claimed that he had to go to the airport PRONTO, he was not running away. sure, sean.) I was also told of a lady driving up (i'm not sure if she was actually in a mini-van but its so much more fun to pretend that way) and asking a bunch of questions about the show, all while on the phone repeating the info to someone else. finally she said "and yellowband goes last" ... this provided for our amusement for the rest of the night. haha i don't care if i wasn't there, it's definitely the funniest thing ever to imagine. so at some point more peopel showed up and started lining up on the opposite side of the door... and we are like hello can't you see the line is going this way? so finally I asked everyone to move to the other side and some people were like "the line goes this way" but others were like "no it goes this way".. eventually the doorguy came out and said it would be going the way we WEREN'T going, so we had to get up and squeeze on the other side. anyways this wait was over before i knew it. probably because i showed up really close to doors time haha

TREATY OF PARIS / PLAYRADIOPLAY! / SECONDHAND SERENADE / THE SPILL CANVAS

nally the moment came and we rushed inside... I went to the same exact spot, all the while thinking "wow this is amazing, i forgot how close the stage is". well Kyle, one of the kids from wisconsin, was in the exact spot i wanted... so I asked him to trade me hahah but he did :) he's nice. it was so weird because for a while there was only like 20 people in the building. I could walk over to libby to talk to her and walk back to my spot without a problem. then gradually more people came in. I remember thinking "wow this really is going to be a small show" haha but, turns out it sold out!
ugh the time between doors & treaty of paris was SO long. The whole time i kept reaching out towards Alyssa and Libby. Alyssa was dead center & Libby was, of course, sean-side.I know I would have had a lot more fun if I had been standing by them, but I couldn't abandon dez's side. so instead I just texted them until the show started. haha. it finalllllly started and I knew the first song. hahaha. treaty of paris was... ok. again. Playradioplay! was next, and they actually had a full band this night. I still liked the song Madi Don't Leave, even though I liked it better acoustic. When Dan was setting up I told him he had great hair and he thanked me. he really does have great hair. I wanted to touch it, badly. oh well.
then came secondhand serenade... and when the guitarist (the one that i met in orlando) came on I waved and he looked up and smiled then did a sort of double take and was like "you're here again?!" and i'm like yep! so all while he was playing we kept ~making eye contact~ and laughing. he's a pretty rad kid.
even if he does look like he's straight outta the 80s. lol katie.
next was spill canvas... of course they were good again. I began to like a few songs i hadn't heard before.

YELLOWCARD
then yellowcard came on. it wasn't a big dramatic entrance like orlando, because there's no curtain at state theatre. but it was still intense. it was the same set list as the night before, so I won't blab on and say the same things.
however some noteable happenings are ~
-during cigarette Ryan urged their merch guy, jval to dance along because he apparently did this every night.